When fear gets the best of you….fight back.

Back in May I talked about how we shouldn’t let ourselves forget to love. A couple days later, I pulled the blog. Shut it down. Deleted links. Blacked out the pages. For 6 months I allowed myself to forget. I was hurting and angry and felt as though I had lost all control. So I took it out on my writing. I killed the blog. I killed something that hadn’t even had the time to really grow. Several friends had told me they looked forward to my postings and that they loved my writing but I didn’t allow myself to hear any of that. I was in a really dark place and I thought, “Nobody cares what I have to say so why even bother saying it?” I convinced myself that my voice didn’t matter, that my writing didn’t matter. I was scared. In a weird way, I was scared that it actually did matter. Oh, how confusing. My fear was telling me two different things and in both instances it drove me to give up blogging.

What’s interesting though is that I didn’t actually give it up. I just found other outlets. Every day I would open a blank word document and just start typing. I did several updated on my mom’s CaringBridge site. I sat in numerous coffee shops around town just watching people and then writing for hours on end. During this time I accomplished a significant amount of writing on my “novel”; not that anyone will ever actually see the thing though. I sketched out entire stories, screenplays, even poems, and then I deleted them or wadded them up and threw them in the trash. I regret that now. I have a feeling I wrote a lot of really great things during those months. Sometimes it’s in our darkest moments when we say the things that inevitably inspire change in people. You see the world differently and the world sees you differently, at least that’s what you think. You know, while you’re in that place.

So I stopped writing but not really. See that’s my thing. I write. I write what I can’t say. I write what I know I shouldn’t feel. I write about life. The sometimes messy and depressing and frustrating thing we call life and when I step back and read what I’ve written, the majority of the time all I can do is wonder how I ended up here. How did I get so jaded? What happened to the little girl who dreamed of being a Disney Princess? The little girl who would begin singing for no apparent reason, the little girl who spent hours making people laugh just being herself…that happy little girl I see on our home videos. Where is she?

There are nights, as I make my way down the highway from work to my apartment, that I find myself crying. Most of the time I’m not really sure why? But other times I know it’s because I miss that little girl. I miss the life she represents and I miss the time when life had no worries other than who got to play the babysitter in the game of house. I cry because on most days, I can’t find her. But on occasion, though lately rare, I feel her. She comes back and in those moments I find myself writing about the beauty in life. The little things, like a stranger’s smile, a long run on beautiful Saturday morning, spending the weekend with a best friend; someone who knows the core of who you are, the good news from the Doctor that the treatment seems to be working…and it’s in these “little things” that I see the hope in this life. A hope that our fallen world is actually a pretty decent place and full of wonderful things. That’s who the little girl I left behind in Charlotte, North Carolina wants me to be.

It was late Thursday night when this all came to me. I couldn’t sleep, which is pretty common for me these days. I was sitting on my couch watching TV when I thought, “What are you doing Sarah? What are you doing with your life?” Now don’t get me wrong, I feel very blessed to be where I am. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends, my own place, and a job I love and feel like I’m really good at. But something is missing. Something is not completely there. I’m not sure exactly what that something is but it’s about time I found it…or at least opened myself up to being found.

Most days are tough for me. I’m sad a lot…even when everyone around me is happy. Which is weird. You’d think that being surrounded by happy people would make you happy. For me, that’s not the case. I wish that wasn’t true. But it is. At least for now. I know that this too shall pass. That I will look back and shake my head and say, “Oh Sarah, you were quite the little drama queen weren’t you.” At least I hope I will. But until then I’ll write. Because I truly believe that the world opens up when you write.

As I open my blog once more I hesitate, yet I do it anyway. For it is the fear that will keep us from achieving our goals. The fear that keeps us from finding happiness. It is the fear that keeps us from being who God intended us to be. And it is the fear that inevitably keeps us from love. So I say be gone fear because you’re not welcome here anymore.

"Don't forget to let yourself love."

Not including the art of sign language, how many words can you literally spell out with one hand? Not many right? LOVE just happens to be one you can. 'Saw this pic the other day and it got me thinking about the simplicity of love. We tend to make it so complicated but does it really need to be? When I really started thinking about it I realized that no matter what we think or believe, we all have the capacity to love and to be loved. It's quite literally in the palm of our hand. We just have to be brave enough to take the leap. But enough about my thoughts. Check out the pic for yourself....and see what it means to you.

*Although, I wish I had...I did not take these photos!

The Ultimate Example of LOVE

Romans 5: 6-8
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Because LOVE changes everything!!  Happy Easter everyone! 
 
xoxo

Hearing But Not Listening.

Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely.
-The Land Before Time

Reader warning:  I'm in a bit of a mood.  Yikes!  Actually my mood is somewhat representative of that picture.  'Realized I've been fooling myself, note the look of shock, and this is my way of working through it.  So, instead of a pic and short blurb, i'm going to torture you with my "opinions" on matters of the heart and how maybe, just maybe, I haven't been 100% true to mine recently.  Which is funny because in my head all I keep hearing is Rod Tidwell saying, "I'm all heart mother fucker!" (It's my blog. I'll say what I want.)  But I guess that's the point.  We THINK we're being true to our hearts when in reality we're attempting to force something that's not right for us because of one reason or another.  So yes, I believe that I am all heart, but that doesn't necessarily mean I've been following it.  Rant #1. Check.  And as Ross would say, "I believe the word you're looking for is, anyway...."

It's interesting to me how much the heart knows when it comes to emotions.  It constantly gives us clues in the form of "feelings" about things like, well, like relationships for instance.  Before we are even aware of a certain situation we are in, our heart has already formed its opinion.  Seriously.  It sounds weird, but it's true. Think back to any "emotional" decision you've had to make recently.  Doesn't even have to be about a relationship.  The result didn't just come out of nowhere.  If you're honest with yourself you will discover that you knew all along.  You had a feeling.  A "gut" feeling.  Ever heard of it?  Yep, thought so.

When it comes to that "gut" feeling the heart can be brutally honest.  And no, it's never wrong.  Yet, we constantly find ourselves blocking it out.  Putting up that wall.  Hearing what it has to say but not listening to what it's actually saying.  Guilty.  Guilty.  And more guilty!  Why?!  Why do we do this?  Not completely sure but I think it might have something to do with being so eager to control our own lives.  But, we all know, it doesn't work that way.

So then what?  What happens next?  Honestly, I don't know.  Every situation is different.  All I can say is: just be honest with yourself and listen.  Listen to what your heart is saying because it won't lead you down the wrong path.  I know - easier said than done, right?!  This is one of my biggest struggles.  Trusting.  Trusting that plan and putting my heart on the line.  But, isn't that part of it?  Isn't that what they say makes us figure out who we are and what it is that we really want?  Deep down I know it is.  It's just a matter of trusting it.

Because come on! Seriously, if Littlefoot, Cera (whom I will refer to as Sarah because 1. that's how it's pronounced and 2. she's awesome!), Petrie, Ducky, and Spike (yes, I remembered their names. ALL of their names.) can make it across that hellish terrain and into the Great Valley by listening to their hearts, then we sure as hell can make it through this "hellish terrain" and reach our own "Great Valley".  Which is different for everyone.  So start listening and find it.  Whatever it might be.  BUT remember, you have to listen closely because the heart whispers!!

Ok.  I'm finished.  Next one will be more about the pictures and less about me.  Promise.

I know, right?!

Happy Valentines Day??

Walked into Fontanes.  Got a drink.  Walked out on the patio and saw this.  Thanks Claudia, for pointing this one out.  Good work.

First, we'll make snow angels for a whole two hours.

"Snow provokes responses that reach right back to childhood." -Andy Goldsworthy

Thus, adding to the list of my favorite things:  #2 SNOW!!  Which is perfect because coffee (topic of last post) and snow go so well together.  As I sit in my office, with a cup of coffee in hand, watching the "Southern" snow fall I can't help but smile.  It's just so pretty.  And it really does remind me of being a kid, something I miss - a lot.

 
So I hope it keeps snowing, at least for a little while longer...because I don't want this feeling to go away.  To those family and friends in the NYC, Baltimore, Kansas, and Chicago areas - I know you're sitting there saying, "she has no idea", and you're right!  I don't!  All I know is that I LOVE this "white stuff" so much!!

On the first of every month my Starbucks Card reloads itself.

"Coffee and love taste best when hot." -Proverb


















I love Starbucks.  Ok, actually I'm obsessed with it.  But, I've accepted that about myself.  Really, I have.  And, while I realize it is February, meaning there are red and pink hearts EVERYWHERE, I was still pleasantly surprised to receive my daily coffee in this cute "special edition" cup.  Ah the little things in life!  The hearts are part of the whole (Starbucks) Red thing they are doing right now.  Check it out.  It's a pretty cool thing.  And yes, I really do have a card that automatically reloads on the first of every month.

Dog. God. Either way you spell it = LOVE.

"I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive." -Gilda Radner

I love dogs.  They are "amazing little creatures" that have this incredible ability to make even the worst day seem ok.  This is Scheyer, a 1-year old Boxer pup who loves cuddling and sleeping in a "big kid" bed.  As you can see, he was not happy about being awake at 5 am. Sorry buddy!  While getting ready for work I walked back into my room and discovered he had buried himself in my blankets. Soooo...obviously I had to grab my camera for this photo op. Such a sweet boy. You can't look at that face and not fall in love...

Taking Risks.

My love for photography and writing has inspired me to take a bit of a risk.

The ironic part is that I'm not crazy about all this "constant connectivity" that comes with the advancing technology of things like the IPhone, the Blackberry, Instant Message, Text Messages, Twitter, Facebook, Blogging and such...I guess I’m just an old school kind of girl.  Go figure - since I have facebook and now a blog.  Oh well.

But, that being said, I do like the idea of having an outlet...a place to post daily photos and/or thoughts of things that capture my eye, but mainly things that capture my heart.  To have a place to share these experiences, whether mine or those of others, makes perfect sense to me.  I'm not sure why, but I'm going with it.  At least for now.

Because here's the thing.  We live in a world full of surprises and devastations.  A world in which cancer sneaks into families and changes lives forever.  A world in which greed and selfishness cause couples to split, leaving behind confused and sad children.  A world in which terrorists fly planes into buildings tearing families apart and ending lives too soon.

When you think about it, it's amazing that wonderful things still happen.  But, they do.  People fall in love and get married, babies are born, animals are adopted into loving families, friendships are formed, promotions are offered, trips are taken, and so much more.  Love is everywhere and I want to capture that.

For me, 2009 was a pretty emotional and unbelievably messy year.  I would have never, in a million years, imagined that my family and I would experience the things we did this past year.  But we did, and in a way, we still are.  Every day is new.  Every day is different.  But that's life.  Life never asks us what we want.  It doesn't care.  Things happen and it's up to our faith to carry us through.  During this time I had my family, my friends, and my God yet there were still many times I felt alone.  Honestly, there are times I still do.  While I'm not proud of that, I've at least come to terms with it.  But for those of you who know me, this shouldn't come as a surprise.

So this is my attempt to make sense out of it all.  To find the beauty in the pain.  To see the bigger picture and accept that life really does have so many wonderful things to offer.  Even if, at certain times, I don't truly believe it.  Hey, I'm only human.

So work with me on this.  It could be interesting!

Picture posts to come soon.
 
xoxo